Uchiha Sasuke's Diary
by thecollectiveunconscious
Summary: "Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god. Had awful dream where Uzumaki Naruto stepped out of a shower wearing nothing but a silk scarf tied around his waist. The silk scarf was adorned with little Uchiha fans all around the hem."
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, I will be updating 'Scars' soon, don't worry. I just got this idea and really wanted to write this.**

**Uchiha Sasuke's diary, Bridget Jones style.**

**----------------**

**Thursday 6 December**

_Hours training 3, Body: well-toned, Hair condition: nice and silky, Sake bottles 1, Emo poems 3, Number of thoughts concerning Haruno Sakura dead 24 (v. good)_

**12.35 p.m. **Aargh. Cannot believe had to endure three hours of Haruno's non-stop nattering. Was forced to partner up with her when that bastard, Kakashi, showed up late and instantly grabbed Naruto's arm. Something about the way he grabbed the dobe's arms instantly pissed me off, and I knew instinctively that the rest of the day would not be going well.

'Sasuke-kun' he yodeled in a very annoying voice. 'Be Sakura-chan's sparring partner today, won'tcha? I have something important to teach Naruto today.' These words immediately sent me in a hailstorm of depression, whereas aforementioned nattering woman and dobe looked excited. Those bitches.

So was forced to train for three hours with a very out-of-shape woman with annoyingly neon pink hair. Fluttering her eyelashes about like a twit. Finally managed to mumble something about plotting revenge and left. 

**5 p.m. **Does life get any worse? The dobe just popped by and announced that there is a 'group dinner' at Ichiraku's – no doubt his suggestion. Think will write another depressing poem before going.

**9 p.m. **'Group dinner' horrible. Immediately had a bad start when I realized that Haruno would be sitting next to me. The dobe had first claimed the seat next to mine, but had 'volunteered' to give up his seat so that Haruno could slide in, giggling. I noticed that her cheeks were tinted a ridiculous shade of pink. She doesn't need any more pink; her hair does enough for her. Sometimes wish was perfectly incapable to notice stupid details, but this sharingan is such a nuisance. It's hard being a genius gifted with an exclusive, very rare _kekkei genkai._

Anyway. Had to endure disgusting meal of ramen (which I absolutely hate) while simultaneously dealing with Haruno's over-pinkness, and having to shield myself against the splashes of soup tumbling out of the dobe's bowl. Looked up at him, scowling, as he sat there, slurping away, oblivious to the disgusted looks other guests were sending his way. Couldn't stand the way he was chewing and smacking his lips together. Something about it made me feel uncomfortable and eager at the same time, for an unknown reason. Managed to shove the noodles into my mouth, mumble something about plotting revenge (again) and ran out.

In bed and it's only 10.35 p.m. Think will watch cheerful movie to lift up spirit. Perhaps _The Exorcist_?

**Saturday 8 December**

_Hours training 2, Body: great, Hair: Silky, Sake bottles 2, Emo poems 5, Number of thoughts concerning Haruno Sakura dead 10 Number of thoughts concerning Uzumaki Naruto dead 25, Number of thoughts concerning Uzumaki Naruto's hair 14 (v. bad!)_

**7 p.m. **Absolutely depressed. Went to flower shop today to buy flowers for family's gravestones. Was utterly surprised to see Yamanaka Ino swinging her dumb ponytail around behind the counter, but kept face smooth and eyes shielded. After all, have reputation as 'hot sexy genius-who-is-collected-at-all-times'. And even though I couldn't care less about something like that, I still have to hold up my reputation. 

Anyway as soon as Yamanaka saw me she dropped the flowers she was holding. What a ditz. And she said, in a voice that was supposed to be seductive but what really sounded like a braying donkey, 'Sasuke-kuuuuun? What brings you to our shop today?' 

Ignored her like usual, of course. Of course she kept dithering around me and fawning over my shoulders to see what I was doing. Immediately felt annoyed and gave her a glare. Cue reddening of cheeks and fluttery hands. Bought damn flowers, threw money on top of the counter, and rushed out. 

Unfortunately met the dobe on the way to the graves. And he was being very, very annoying, because he was in a good mood.

'Hey, temeeee!' He shrieked. Ignored him. What is it with blondes and saying annoying things? First Yamanaka with her purple shirt that makes her look fat, and now Uzumaki Naruto popping up and grinning that stupid grin.

But when he popped his head out towards me, I noticed that his hair was more of a gold colour, though, instead of just an annoying yellow like I thought before. God, this sharingan is really bothering the hell out of me, picking up completely irrelevant details like the warm gold colour of the dobe's hair, and how it gently nestled against his forehead, dipping towards big, innocent blue eyes…

What the hell?

'Sasuke! Helloooo, Sasuke!' The voice broke me out of my musings. Glared up at him.

'What do you want, utsuradonkatchi?' I muttered.

'Kakashi-sensei taught me an ultra-cool new jutsu! Just meee! And he said he's not going to teach it to youuuu!' And with a stupid laugh, he ran off, and hopefully smashed his head into a wall or something.

After that, got really depressed. Started thinking about his hair again, for some twisted reason. Then started thinking about brother, which made me almost want to slit my wrists. Tried to write poetry but was too depressed to hold a pen, so instead, satisfied myself by imagining me breaking his fingers, one by one, while he cried out in pain and blood was running down all over his body. It was actually a lot more satisfying than writing a poem. May try more of this in the future.

**Tuesday 11 December**

_Hours training 5, Body: v. dirty and sweaty, Hair: uncombed but still sexy, Sake bottles 0, Emo poems 0, Number of thoughts concerning Haruno Sakura dead 2, Number of thoughts concerning Uchiha Itachi's rotting corpse 25, Number of thoughts concerning Uzumaki Naruto's face 39 (v. v. bad)_

**9.50 a.m. **Dobe just popped by asking me if I carried any instant ramen, moaning that he was _famished _(was slightly impressed – didn't know his vocabulary extended that far). Apparently he ran out of money and couldn't buy any more until next month. Muttered that I don't carry something as filthy as instant ramen, and, out of the kindness of my heart, thrust into his hands a platter of rice balls. Instead of politely leaving, the dobe barged in through the door, stuffed his mouth, and flung himself on my couch.

'Let's watch TV!' he shouted with his mouth half-full. Flecks of rice were dotted around his mouth. Charming.

Unfortunately, lapsed into some delusional train of thought where dobe began to pick them off one by one and place into his own mouth, suggestively. Reached the part where he began to swirl his tongue around his own pinky, where I managed to knock myself out of self-induced stupor. 

Think something may seriously be wrong with me. Perhaps the water I'm drinking is poisonous, or… or the house is full of air saturated with drugs, or am being too influenced by occasional sentences glanced at from Kakashi's stupid porn novels.

Sneakily glanced at dobe if he had noticed anything, but instead, he'd flicked the television set on. As I watched, out strolled out a trio of what I hesitate to call 'females'. They looked more like human-sized cockroaches, especially with their annoying knack of having their own 'colour-scheme'. They belted out something along the lines of 'Powerpuff girls! Saving the universe!' or something as equally lame. Come to think of it, it was slightly similar to all the lame and absurd things Naruto said whenever we met someone who was supposed to be our enemy – and they somehow always turned 'good' after hearing his lecture.

The pink one was especially getting on my nerves. I have to deal with Haruno and pink-ness almost constantly, and now this human-sized cockroach was assaulting my eyes with this blaring, obnoxious outfit. Perhaps they share a stylist. Perhaps if I killed said stylist, my eyes could finally be at peace. 

Suddenly heard the sound of snoring. Groaned slightly and looked over the couch. The dobe had sunk to the floor, asleep, so was able to gingerly lower self onto couch without fear of contamination of his idiocy. Found self staring at his hair again. It really was a smooth golden colour… then eyes suddenly strayed towards his face. His skin had the glow of a permanent, natural tan, and looked soft, _nearly_ as smooth as mine. Suddenly felt urge to touch it, but resisted. Unfortunately, spotted a piece of rice still stuck on his face, so instinctively lowered hand to pull it off.

Fingers accidentally brushed his lips. Immediately froze. Drew hand back rapidly and looked to see if he had realized anything. By the sounds of snoring, deduced that he hadn't. Left the piece of rice stuck on his face and nearly ran into bedroom.

To calm self down, began to imagine what Uchiha Itachi's face would look like, when he realized I had punctured a hole through his body and was in the process of tearing out his organs. If he even has organs, the bastard. 

**11.30 a.m. **Was almost in state of happiness when the dobe burst into the room. 'Sasukeee! You just left me sleeping there!' 

'Hn,' I muttered. At the sight of that damned piece of rice still stuck on his face, heart began to accelerate. 'You can leave now, dobe.' This came out a little harsher than I'd meant, and saw the dobe's eyes instantly narrow.

'Fine, I will!' he shouted. 'I was going to invite you to have lunch with me, but I don't want to hang out with bastards with kunais shoved up their asses!' Found myself keeping an eye on him as he left the compound. Eyes unexpectedly strayed towards his backside… no, no. Must resist such strange notions.

Perhaps it is because of all these happy feelings I experience when I think of Uchiha Itachi's dead, decomposing body hanging from the main Uchiha entrance. Those happy feelings must be screwing with my mind, making thoughts that wouldn't normally occur, occur. Perhaps must return to writing poems. 

**4 p.m. **_He was a bastard,_

_A red-eyed, dirty bastard,_

_And I can hardly wait,_

_To foster my hate,_

_And splinter his nails,_

_And cook his liver,_

_And place his head on my pedestal,_

_Hooray!_

**10 p.m. **Went out and trained till nearly collapsed. Bedtime!

Can't find teddy bear. Damn.

**Wednesday 12 December**

_Hours training 0, Body: sucks, Hair: limp, Sake bottles 7, Number of thoughts concerning Uchiha Itachi 0, Number of thoughts concerning Uzumaki Naruto 205 (horrible), Number of minutes spent telling self not to think about Uzumaki Naruto 485 (v. v. bad!)_

**6.30 a.m. **Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god. Had awful dream where Uzumaki Naruto stepped out of a shower wearing nothing but a silk scarf tied around his waist. The silk scarf was adorned with little Uchiha fans all around the hem. He looked like some kind of private prostitute for the Uchiha clan. The worst thing was that the scarf was _wet_, making it stick to his body, and since it was wrapped around his waist, of course the part of his body it was plastered against was his… his…

Can't bear to think about it any longer. Okay, one more bottle of sake and going right back to sleep. 

His eyes were so blue, and his skin looked all slick and smooth, rivulets of water running down his thighs… 

Pants suddenly feeling tight. Shit, shit, shit.

**Thursday 13 December**

_Hours training 2, Body: fit and muscular, Hair: nicely spiked, Sake bottles 0, Emo poems 0, Number of thoughts concerning Haruno Sakura dead 4, Number of thoughts concerning Uchiha Itachi dead 476, Number of thoughts concerning Uzumaki Naruto 39 (number will definitely decrease)_

**3 p.m. **Fabulous day. While raiding Uchiha Itachi's room this morning, found 3,000 yen rolled up, pathetically hidden behind the bedpost. Nearly laughed as I counted his money; intend to spend it in the most ludicrous way and completely waste it. Wish could see his face when I tell him I spent _his _money – as a matter of fact, will write it down in the list of things I intend to tell him when I finally meet him, and kill him. Some things in the list are: 'Mother always told me that my flower-arranging was much more artistic than yours,' 'Everyone says that I'm better looking than you were at my age,' and 'I burned your favourite pillow when you left.' 

Off to the store now. Lalala.

**4.45 p.m. **Mad enough to spit fucking fire out of my mouth and burn half the village. Have uncontrollable desire to run through house, smashing items and tearing the fucking curtains. Nearly ripped apart a squirrel and tore the wings off a fucking dumb bird who had the audacity to fly in front of me. 

The money was fucking _fake_.

**Friday 14 December**

_Sake bottles 29, Number of thoughts concerning Uchiha Itachi dead 1,038,284_

**9 a.m. **Face still flames red when thinking about awful encounter with goddamn store owner. The fat bastard.

It is just like that bastard Uchiha Itachi to hide fake money around his room. I can see him smiling now in that patronizing older-brother way… feel like throwing up.

I will DESTROY him.

**Saturday 15 December**

_Sake bottles 11, Emo poems 36, Number of thoughts concerning Uchiha Itachi dead 204,184, Number of thoughts concerning burning down the store, 103_

**4 p.m. **If this gets around Konoha, then will surely become laughing-stock of the century. Can't bear to think how obnoxious Uzumaki Naruto will be. I can just imagine it now – 'ha ha, you idiot, I can't believe you didn't realize that you were holding _fake _money!'

Oh god, must find way of permanently shutting the mouth of that fat storekeeper. Perhaps will threaten to tear out his eyes and kill his entire family?

**Monday 18 December**

_Hours training 3, Body: S.E.X.Y, Hair: Spiky-licious, Sake bottles 0, Emo poems 0, Number of happy thoughts 305_

**2.30 p.m. **_Damn _good mood. Was able to venture out to town, wary of smiling faces or sudden bursts of laughter from anyone around me, but strangely encountered none. On the streets, passed by fat storeowner. And even though I instantly froze, managed to keep face calm and raised level of death glare to maximum. Eyes met – and the fat man instantly turned pale and left the vicinity.

Success, success. Knew death glare was effective, but didn't know it was _this _good. Anyways, storeowner now knows of his immediate death if word of the incident should ever get out.

Was in such a good mood that when I bumped into the dobe, managed to walk around with him for five minutes without wanting to kill him, as opposed to previous two minutes and twenty seconds. This _is _an improvement. 

**Wednesday 19 December**

_Hours training 10, no 11… lost count, Body: sweaty, Hair: tousled, Sake bottles 0, Emo poems 1, Number of thoughts concerning Uchiha Itachi 192, Number of thoughts concerning Uzumaki Naruto, 1204_

**10.30 a.m **The dobe just popped by asking me if I wanted anything for Christmas.

Christmas? What kind of nonsense is that? 

I 'hnn-ed' and said that I didn't care to celebrate anything as stupid as _Christmas_. As the dobe didn't seem to understand, I patiently explained that every 'Christmas', I sit around contemplating the best angle in which to run Itachi through with a katana. 

The blonde idiot kept on badgering me, until I told him to go away, leave me alone. Was surprised to see him turn away without protesting, but suddenly he turned around again.

'Look, Sasuke-teme,' he muttered. His eyes were pointed down on the floor as if there was something interesting happening. I looked down as well. Nothing but an ant, which I immediately squashed with my foot. 

'What?'

And it was here that he started to squirm. 'Well, I, uh, you know… I know that you, uh, like me don't really have, um… well, _company _during, you know… Christmas… and I was just thinking that since we're, well, teammates, after all, we should, like, stick together…' I squinted, confused. 

'Dobe. What are you saying?'

'Well, you know, if you happen to feel um… _alone _on Christmas… feel free to, um… spendthedaywithme,' and here he immediately zoomed away. 

Slowly shut the door. Suddenly had image of the dobe and I sitting side by side, drinking champagne while it snowed. A pair of antlers were fastened onto his hair… he looked kind of… _adorable_…

Viciously shook head, then ran out onto training grounds and trained like there was no tomorrow.

**Sunday 23 December**

_Number of thoughts concerning Uzumaki Naruto 31,204,034…_

**6 p.m. **Had biggest shock of entire life.

Spent the day happily dobe-free, trying to refrain from thinking about his hair, his eyes, his mouth, or anything pertaining to the idiot. Was able to avoid Haruno as she skipped by with a huge bag carrying what suspiciously seemed like a huge amount of cosmetics, and even managed to hide from Kakashi as he ambled into the bookstore. 

Was about to go home and enjoy the rest of this perfect day, when suddenly realized that the dobe had borrowed my copy of _The Ring_. Why the dobe would borrow this movie I don't know, as he doesn't have the balls to sit through even five minutes of 'scary movies'… but had lent it to him nonetheless. Felt tremendous need to watch it tonight, so steeled self and went in the direction of the dobe's apartment.

Could hear girlish giggling when I came to his door. Paused, slightly freaked out, then hesitantly knocked.

'Who is it?' trilled a voice that I distinctly recognized as the shrill sound of Haruno Sakura.

'Uh…' 

The door flung open. For a second, we both stood silently, then she beamed. 'Oh, Sasuke-_kun_! Why didn't you say you were _coming_?'

'_Teme_!' heard panicked voice of dobe coming from the inside of the house. 

'Dobe. I came by to pick up my movie.' 

'D-Don't come in! I'll get it to you later! I'll get it to you later, so, so, uh, don't come in!' 

Was really extremely pissed. I'd walked all the way to _his _house to get _my _movie, and now he was telling me to go. So I walked in, brushing away Haruno's arm.

'Dobe, when I said I came by to pick up my movie, I _meant _that I would pick up my… uh…'

The dobe was sitting on the floor. Arrayed in a frilly, very _short _black dress that revealed his long, slender legs. His hair was bunched up in two pigtails with large black bows, and his blue eyes were outlined with black lines, whisking up away from his eyes, exactly like a cat.

'Shit, Sasuke! I told you not to – this isn't what it looks like! It's not, it's just, Sakura-chan was just, you know – '

One part of my brain was listening to the dobe's frantic explanations, but a much, much larger part of it was focusing on the way his mouth, his red, wet mouth, shaped the words. Suddenly felt dizzy. 

Hurriedly mumbled something about plotting revenge, and left as fast as I could.

**9 p.m. **Oh god. Took three consecutive cold showers but body still feeling feverish.

**11 p.m. **Just _why _the hell was he dressed like that?

**12.30 a.m. **So _that's _why Haruno had that bag with her.

**2.20 a.m. **Startled. Completely startled. Just had a dream. The dobe sauntered over to me in an alarmingly sexy way, still dressed up in that outfit… came to me and… knelt on his knees… he'd slowly taken off my pants and had spread those delicious-looking lips open… wider and wider as he prepared to take me into his mouth…

Woke up when I felt sticky liquid against my thighs. Realized that entire surface of bed was covered with cum.

**3 a.m. **What the _fuck_ is wrong with me?

------------

**It's going to be a very short fic, only a couple of chapters. I just thought I'd try out something new.**

**Did you like it?**


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

**Monday 24 December**

_Hours training, 5, Body: good, Hair: soft and silky, with a whiff of strawberry fresh... OH, WHO THE FUCK CARES._

**3.15 p.m. **My body is still feeling feverish. This is unbearable.

Why, oh why, why, WHY... was the dobe dressed like that?

Entire day was absolute nightmare. Whenever I saw a of yellow or orange, immediately turned and ran away to the nearest corner. Have consoled myself by buying about two tonnes of ice cream, then proceeding to shove the vile stuff down my gullet. Stomach is now churning rather dangerously, and can practically feel cellulite content in body doubling; with present luck, will no doubt develop stretch marks on ass and not fit into sexy new leather pants.

Body must not be anywhere _near _fat, as am not willing to lose in the 'Who's Hotter' contest between self and Uchiha Itachi.

Uchiha Itachi.

Concentrated on whipping up an image of me hacking away at his hair, but could think of nothing.

Instead, thoughts turned back to Uzumaki Naruto.

Argh.

Will ask this question again.

WHY?

Perhaps the dobe is some night-time prostitute, and his clients are kinky and like seeing him dressed up as a girl. Maybe he was planning to infiltrate an enemy-camp but decided to dress up as a girl so he wouldn't attract attention...

If that second one is true, then the dobe is a bigger idiot than I have previously thought. Who wouldn't be staring at him when he was looking so delicious?

Okay, that was very wrong.

Must divert brain on to a different path. Okay, okay, let's think - what would be the dobe's motive in dressing so sexi-... um, like a girl?

Maybe Uzumaki was going to be sold off to a fat, rich daimyo?

What if there was a big auction for him, and whoever paid the most could have their way with him for one night...?

Immediately suppressed body's (very involuntary) shiver/spasm/twitch. Felt that one part of body was twitching more than the others... maybe I should hold it for a sec-

Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Can't stop myself. I mean, the dobe was practically screaming "SEX" in that getup. Who _wouldn't_ want to fuck him until next week?

Second very wrong thought I have had in as many minutes.

I think I have dug my own grave.

**5.15 p.m****. **I need some chocolate.

**6 p.m.** Cannot go outside to buy chocolate. Going outside might mean that I bump into the dobe… and if I bump into the dobe, I might just throw him down on the ground and forcefully engage him in passionate sex right then and there, horrifying the wrinkly elders, getting banished, and so on.

**6.15 p.m. **But if I were to get banished along with Naruto, then that means we could go live in a cave and be together without any people popping up and bothering us… a certain individual with pink hair comes to mind.

**6.18 p.m. **During the day, Naruto can go and skip around and play with bunnies and such, making flower wreaths and dancing all over the mountains. While he engages in these various leisurely pastimes, I can be doing things like sketching, plucking at my lute, and baking squirrel pie for dinner.

Of course, the nightly activities would be of a more...

**6.20 p.m. **Wait, wait. Clearly, the girl in this relationship is the dobe. Therefore, he should be the one baking squirrel pie.

--

**Tuesday 25 December  
**

_Hours Training, 0, Hair, Tousled. Body, Getting kinda flabby. Must remember to avoid simultaneous huge intakes of chocolate and ice cream. Numbers of hours in bed, 15 _

**9 a.m. **Christmas. Yay.

**11 a.m.** Spray-painting obscenities on Itachi's bedroom wall.

**12 p.m. **Have tried to spend the entire day not thinking about the dobe. Yesterday, spent the night plotting out exactly how to decorate our cave, trying to arrange all the furniture in the most convenient and suggestive way for trying out all manners of sexual positions. Was able to amuse myself for many long hours with all of the delightful possibilities. Now, though, feel slightly pathetic in manner of hideous old pervert bringing himself off while leering at pictures of naked children.

**3 p.m. **Was in bed trying to snuff out sounds of children running merrily outside, gloating about the presents they received and generally making prats of themselves. Such tomfoolery.

**4 p.m. **I love being alone.

**4.15 p.m. **Had sudden flashback of the dobe telling me to spend Christmas with him. I will not.

**4.30 p.m. **I mean, I can't. Think can never truly confront him again, as self might end up violently forcing him to bend over. Oh god, his tight ass...

**4.31 p.m. **Blast. Have been seduced (once again) into feverish daydream about the dobe, all because of that lovable rounded tush he flounces around with.

**4.35 p.m. **Hope he isn't by himself...

**5 p.m. **My God. Have realized that the dobe must be all by himself right now. Looked outside, and the snowflakes are sparklingly falling on the ground... is the exact type of thing that I utterly despise... yet clearly remember that last winter, the dobe was skipping about packing snow into round balls and throwing them at people. Remembered that he was laughing and his face was all flushed red... and when I'd asked him why he was so happy, he'd said something along the lines of 'Christmas is the time for people, and I like being with people blah blah blah blah...'

**5.12 p.m. **'Christmas is the time for people, and I like being with people...' He likes being with people. Right now, cannot think of a single person whom he'd be with right now. Maybe Iruka.

**5.13 p.m. **Have just remembered that Iruka went out on that mission over a month ago. Hmm, can distinctly remember dobe crying that no one would be buying him ramen anymore... incessant whining led me to buy him ramen just to shut him up. He'd been slurping it up like a child who first discovered chocolate... and he'd been smiling so happily at me.

**5.15 p.m. **Is he alone?

**6 p.m. **Feel like have slaughtered innocent lamb, dove, etc., as have probably left a vulnerable and stupid dobe all on his own on Christmas Day. Self does not care about Christmas... yet the dobe does. And I really, really don't want to admit this but I feel slightly weird knowing that the dobe is all alone on Christmas, yet I'm not doing anything about it.

Why did the dobe, however, not visit me? If he was really alone on Christmas, and really lonely and bored and such, then he would have come and banged my door down by now, demanding a present and generally squirreling about my house.

Perhaps the dobe is not lonely.

Perhaps he is with somebody else.

Perhaps he does not wish to see me because... because...

This is too depressing.

--

**Thursday 27 December  
**

_Hours training, 2, Body, in shape (finally managed to purge self of disgusting liquor-filled chocolate and mango tango ice cream), Hair, herbal essence'd from the top to the roots, Number of poems written about Uchiha Itachi, 3 (good!!), Number of hours spent thinking about Uzumaki Naruto 2 (keeping up good work)_

**10 a.m. **This is more like it. Have resolved: must not think about Uzumaki Naruto. No more wandering about like some sad homeless type person. Managed to spend the rest of Christmas in an entirely productive way by calculating the best way to tear through Uchiha Itachi with a polished katana (concluded that a 49 degree angle jab from the lower stomach would do the most damage - in manner of puncturing through his ribs, rupturing his heart, and possibly tearing out his vocal chords into the bargain. Yippee). Have polished katana for over three years... steel is slick and span; almost too nice and shiny. Could practically hear it screaming out for some action.

Soon enough, my precious... soon enough...

Really wish that Naruto could be there at the pivotal moment when I stick this shiny pretty sword into Itachi's rather deformed chest. Then we could romp all over his dead body, frolicking and making love-

Om. Inner peace. Must not give self to sexually compromising thoughts, also thought of having sex on top of dead body rather vile.

**11.30 a.m. **Success! Success! Have finally finished sewing on the last seams in the ultra-detailed Uchiha Itachi Voodoo Doll. Have deliberately made his face grotesquely misshapen. Itachi would get _so _mad if he saw this - he must possibly be, other than me, the vainest person in existence.

--

**Friday 28 December  
**

_Hours training, 1 1/2 (am slacking yet again - not good, not good), Body, in good shape, Hair, casually yet elegantly mussed; delicately spiked - could sit and stare at perfection of hair all day, Number of hours spent thinking about dobe, 1 (getting better and better), Number of poems have written regarding beauty of own hair, 3, Number of times polished katana, 10_

**12.15 a.m. **Have found self in state of danger.

Was quite innocently, with no ulterior motive, walking around outside. Felt good to have fresh air blowing on face, after what seemed about an eternity of hiding out in a corner of the house, scratching things and feverishly imagining the various ways that the dobe's body would be positioned around my own.

Obviously, was in complete bliss, and failed to notice the waft of pink hair floating my way. Before I'd realized that danger was near, the pinkness had latched around my arm.

'Oooh! Sasuke-kun!' she squealed. 'Merry Belated Christmas To You!' How is it that she can make every single word Start With A Capital?

'Hnn,' I grumped, hoping she'd notice and go pester another poor soul.

'Sasuke-kun,' she chirped, in manner of bright perky conversation. 'For Christmas, my parents got me a really really nice kunai with an engraving on it! The engraving says 'Sakura blossoms are so pretty blah blah blah'...' Managed to tune her out for a good five minutes. But something she said caught my fleeting attention.

'... blah blah blah didn't see him around! It's so weird of Naruto to not be outside when it's snowing, I mean, he likes snow so much!'

The dobe _really _likes snow.

And yet... Haruno was saying that she hadn't seen him outside.

'Sa-Sakura,' I murmured uncomfortably. Could see her ridiculously fluttering her eyelids. 'From when have you not seen... Naruto... outside?'

She stopped. 'Oh, it was ever since...' Strange pause ensued. Turned to stare at her, only to find that both her hands had flown up to cover her mouth.

'It was since - since that time that I dressed him up! Oh my god, do you think he's still upset...? Well, I mean, it _was_ pretty shocking when you came in, and Naruto, you know, he... err...'

The dobe had been inside his house, all alone, for days.

All because this stupid, STUPID woman had dressed him up for only-god-knows ridiculous, most likely perverted reasons. Tried to simultaneously not explode at her, keep hands away from kunai holster, and banish guilt over self's own dobe-induced daydreams (and nightly masturbating sessions) due to this ridiculous (but sexy) dress-up fandango that the dobe was seemingly still in pain over.

'Sakura. Why... did you dress him up like that?' Fought courageously to keep voice from trembling, due to fear, anger, anticipation, and all other squeamish-yet-excitable emotions.

She looked rather sheepish. Would have preferred it if she looked suicidal and ready to offer a year's worth of ramen to Naruto, but at least she didn't start giggling and say that she was getting him dressed up for his wedding, or something.

Oh gods, that would have been a nightmare. If it had been the dobe's wedding or something, the village would have been able to witness a rampage that would have drawn up short all other rampages, including that heinous Uchiha Itachi's murder of our entire clan.

'Well,' she said, in a petulant manner. 'I just really wanted to see what that dress would look like on a blonde person... I mean, I tried wearing it and I don't think it looked very good on me... so I just got him to try it on. It was just for a joke.'

Huh. Just for a joke. And although that little joke of hers gave me the most pleasurable sight I may ever in this lifetime see - to the dobe it was trauma.

'He was sort of uncomfortable, but I was having fun, so he didn't really object or anything... but then, when you came...' Here, she trailed off.

Managed to control self from not smashing her head into the ground. 'Then what...?'

She squirmed. 'He just became totally... silent...'

**3 p.m. **Silent?

The dobe does not fall silent. If anything, when confronted by situations he does not appreciate, tries to brashly talk his way out, laughing loudly and slapping people's backs, brushing off the entire incident.

But he doesn't fall silent.

He must have been more traumatized than I'd thought.

Can remember that the last time he'd fallen so traumatically silent was when he'd run out of ramen, Ichiraku's was closed, and the supermarket was sold out.

**5 p.m. **I need to see him.

**6 p.m. **But what will I say to him?

--

**Sunday 30 December  
**

_Hours training, 0, Calories consumed, 2065, Bottles of sake downed, 3, Number of thoughts involving Him... Naruto...  
_

**10.30 a.m. **Have been terrorized for days. Can think of nothing else but wanting to see him. Can feel self lurching in horror at the thought of dobe closing his door when he sees me.

This is so strange. What is wrong with me?

Have been pondering why I've been so obsessive with that idiot lately. It's really weird. When did this start? It wasn't even a month ago, was it? Cannot quite remember, but there was this point in time where dobe's incessant chatter turned from annoying to soothing, in this lurid, kinky sort of manner.

When was it that his hair turned from a mess of rough strands into careless-yet-sexy shimmering mass of gold? When did he turn from the midget of the group into this radiant Adonis-like being he is today? When did that childish smile of his become so provocative, so alluring? And the way he licks those pink lips... Oh, this is torture.

I am betting that he is secretly wafting pheromones into the air or something. There is no other conceivable reason for the dobe to seem so ridiculously attractive.

**11 a.m. **Situation is horrible. Right, am confident, rich, intelligent, mysterious hero-type figure. There is no conceivable way that I, of all people, should be sitting at home being neurotic and insane like some twittering schoolgirl. A couple more days of this and I may actually become a timid mouse-like creature, in manner of that wuss Hyuuga girl or similar. Think will drink a bit more of this cold sake and gird my loins, so to speak, and go bloody _talk_ to the dobe.

**4 p.m. **It's too terrifying. I'd rather face a sharingan'd Kakashi, snakey-tongued Orochimaru, and a drunk Lee than go through with this.

**5 p.m. **A herd of fangirls would be easier to deal with. All I'd have to do is simply decapitate each and every single one of them... or I could choose the less tiring way and just nuke the hell out of them. Naruto, on the other hand, is not as easy to deal with. The only thing I can see myself doing to Naruto is forcing him on top of every flat surface imaginable. Then having tough, manly sex all day and all night long.

**6 p.m. **There are some things to consider, however. Being all tough and manly and aggressive during sex on my part is a good thing, but if Naruto were to act like this, it would be all kinds of wrong. The one destined to be on top in this relationship is me. Me, me, me. As have stated before, the girl in this relationship is THE DOBE.

**6.15 p.m. **Don't get me wrong, I like aggressive. It would be _really _sexy if the dobe tried to seduce me or handcuffed me to a chair and licked his way down my body, or rode on top of me, or gave me a lap dance wearing leather bondage. But there's a certain kind of aggressive that's a slinky, fox-like aggressive (which is so clearly the dobe), then there's the cool, mysterious, manly kind of aggressiveness. So clearly me.

--

**Monday 31 December  
**

_Hours training, 1, Number of pins stuck through Itachi voodoo-doll, 5, Number of times had had sex with Naruto, 0, Number of times shared provocative, sexy moments with Naruto, 0, Number of times have had fantasies about sharing provocative, sexy moments with Naruto, 36._

**6.25 p.m****. **Whole entire day was once again spent slumming on bed, when thought ran through my head like lightning. Head jerked up from pillow in shock.

If the dobe is radiating pheromones... if the reason I'm acting so tremendously un-Uchiha-like is because of he's somehow amping up his attractiveness, hormonally speaking... then that means that I cannot be the only ones thinking these things about him.

Well, it didn't affect Sakura. She didn't seem any more concerned about him than before. So maybe it doesn't affect her. Or girls in general.

Alarms began sounding through my head.

If it doesn't affect girls... then that means it affects other _males_.

Pale-eyed, loser Hyuuga.

Ugly, dorky Rock Lee.

That idiot pretending-to-be-fatherly-figure Iruka.

The psycho, Gaara.

Maybe even... oh, hell no.

KAKASHI?

**7 p.m. **Feeling so suicidal right now... in a minute I might explode. Must find inner peace.

**7.02 p.m. **Breathe him, breathe out. I'm just overreacting. Surely this kind of implausible scenario will never happen. Am just overreacting... imagination-running-rampant that sort of thing.

**7.05 p.m. **No no no no no! What if they've already claimed him for themselves? What if that's the reason Naruto didn't go outside for the past couple of days? What if he's all chained up right now, and one of those disgusting freaks is claiming his body for their own? Can quite clearly imagine that sex with bushy-brows would be anything _but _pleasant.

Will never live with self if Kakashi, that pedophile porn-reader, is living out his novel fantasies with the frail, beautiful, innocent dobe.

**9.45 p.m. **Must go see him, otherwise I _really _will go insane. And if Hyuuga, or Gaara, or any other bastard is with him, I swear on my life that I will not rest until their carcass is hanging on my wall.

**10 p.m. **Am standing in front of his door.

Have never, ever in my life felt this close to hyperventilating.

Just raised my hand to knock on the door... when all of a sudden, it jerked open on its own.

**10.04 p.m. **"Te-teme?" His eyes are open in shock, and I freeze - my mind is blank and fuzzy.

We're just standing there, staring at each other. His cheeks are so red that it seems as though someone smeared red paint all over them. Am reasonably sure that my own face isn't that pale, either.

This must be about the most awkward situation in the history of Konoha.

The dobe is still staring at me, and no wonder - what sane person shows up to someone's door and just stands there? I probably look a mess, too. Have realized that my hair is currently unwashed, and most be standing up all over head in manner of Medusa. Shit, shit. Must say something.

My mouth forces itself open. "I... uh... um... ehh..."

Hell. Have turned into stuttering Hyuuga girl. In five minutes time eyes will no doubt begin fading into freakish white colour.

The dobe is just looking at me. Looking with this strange look in this eyes. Am pretty sure my own eyes are staring back at him with an expression of fear, worry, and worst of all, uncontrollable lust. Even in this awkward situation, there's this tiny little voice in the back of my mind that is chanting '_Ravish him, ravish him, ravish him_...'

He looked down. Had another urge to run fingers through those silky strands.

"Um... c-c'mon in," he murmured. Opening the door a little wider, he hesitantly motioned for me to step inside.

Feet moved automatically; five seconds later, was in his living room. The door closed shut behind me.

Naruto plopped down onto his couch. He scratched his head sheepishly. Am still standing by the door, hands lingering in my pockets, wishing it wasn't quite so difficult to act normally.

"So, um... how've you... you know, how've you um... been?"

Words are still not coming out of my mouth.

"Oh... oh yeah! I... hang on a minute, I've - I've got something for... for..." Without finishing, he hastily scrambled into his room. My feet are still rooted to the spot. Oh, this is unbearable.

A minute later, he comes back. He's holding this package behind him but was so preoccupied own problems that I hadn't noticed what he'd been holding.

He tosses it to me. Out of reflex, I catch it, and I'm staring in puzzlement at a lumpy parcel in my hands, clumsily wrapped in smiley-face wrapping paper.

"Well, that's your... you know, your Christmas present. I... well, I couldn't get it to you on Christmas day, so you know, I thought, maybe... maybe now..."

This is unbelievable.

Throughout all this, throughout everything that happened... the dobe worried about getting _me_ christmas present.

"E-eh... Merry belated Christmas, um... Sasuke." And he looked down, smiling in a sheepish, awkward way.

My mouth still does not move. Words aren't coming out... breathing seems to be impossible, and my throat starts to burn.

Naruto is staring at me with this hopeful expression, but I can't say anything. He's seeing my lack of expression, and his own smile is faltering.

The atmosphere is unbearably tense.

"A-ano..." he takes a hesitant step forward. "Uh, if you don't want it, it's - it's okay..."

He bites his lip with worry. There's a flash of his pink tongue, and suddenly, I can't hold it back anymore.

The parcel drops to the floor. I move so quickly, everything around me is a blur. The distance between us is less than seven steps - and in less than a second, I'm in front of him. He looks up, startled. His eyes widen, and his lips part open.

"_Sasuke_?"

My body crashes into his, and sends both of us tumbling down on the floor. My fingers begin to hungrily explore his body. My dark hair spills into that sea of golden locks. And his mouth is still open in shock... my own devours his, in a kiss so passionate and so full of longing, it sends my head spinning. Our limbs are intertwined; and my groin is pressed against his - the heat flares inside. This... this is... indescribable. A pinnacle. An epiphany.

Our lips break apart; and for a moment, the only sound in the air is of panting, jagged breaths. My eyes stare desperately into his, and realize for the first time this evening... his eyes are mirroring the exact same look I have. The exact same look of hunger.

"Naruto," I pant, huskily. "I want you... I _want _you..."

"Sa-Sasuke..." he whispers. Shivers run down my spine. His fingers are touching my skin, and goosebumps rise. The heat between us is so hot, it seems to scorch my skin.

I grind myself into him, harder, and he moans loudly. He throws his back in a delightful arch that exposes the creamy skin of his throat. I'm so close to losing all aspects of self-control that it's terrifying. We're both staggering into his room, tearing each other's clothes off... my tongue lavishes his nipples, his breath is ghosting delightfully against my ear, and my fingers are skimming downwards, downwards... the sight of his bare, perfectly tanned body is unspeakably erotic. He's mewling in my ear, and I'm having trouble breathing... then it suddenly hits me.

I think I may be in love with the dobe.

* * *

**It's been a really, really long time since the first chapter was up, and I'm very sorry for the delay.**

**I might've rushed the events, but I wanted to get things moving.**

**Thanks so much for reading!  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**Tuesday 1 January**

_Hours training, 0, Hair: meh, Body: meh, Number of sake bottles downed, 4, Number of times just about to have wild sex with Naruto 1, Number of times had wild sex with Naruto 0, Number of times imagined ripping off Rock Lee's eyebrows 3253_

**1 a.m. **Cannot quite believe what has happened.

Cannot quite believe that only a few hours ago, I was _thisthisthis_ close to ravishing the dobe senseless.

Cannot quite believe that I was actually thwarted by, of all people, goddamn bushy-brows.

**2 a.m. **Damn that piece of shit to hell and back! Feel like ramming a kunai up in his ass triple-wrapped in explosive notes! How dare he cockblock? Does he even have a cock? Probably fucking tiny, probably covered in strands of oddly thick straight hair!

Was getting _hot and heavy _with the dobe, my hands were reaching down. Like DOWN. He was breathing heavily into my ear and it was fucking amazing, when the door to the dobe's apartment burst open.

We broke apart. The dobe _leapt _away from me. Was so stunned at the sudden break in contact and stared, mouth-open, at the dobe (Shit! What happened to keeping cool at all times! FML!) for several long seconds – then I turned to glare at the assailant. Eyes were actually blinking red I was so pissed.

"Yo Naruto-san! Ahh, Uchiha-san is here as well! Gomen, gomen for breaking in Naruto-san, but I knocked on the door and no one answered!" And here bushy brows flashed that obnoxiously white smile of his… ugh.

"H-hey, bushy-brows," stammered the dobe weakly.

Did not greet him of course. Hell, at this point it was greeting enough that was not tossing him and his green jumpsuit off the building.

"Naruto-san!" squealed eyebrows excitedly. "Gai-sensei has had a sudden inspiration! He feels that we, as the vigorous youthful future of Konohagakure, must gather right now for a special Youth Overnight Training Session! He has especially requested that you, as you are overflowing with the Spirit of Youth, must be there!"

Glared at him in stunned exasperation. Clearly Rock Lee's inability as a ninja is not his lack of ninjutsu. It is his lack of ability to assess the most simple of situations. The dobe's lips were swollen, his hair was tousled, his breathing was very, very staggered. Reasonably sure that own lips and hair were in a similar state. OBVIOUSLY two people were about to fuck each other senseless. Anyone else! Anyone else would have recognized and stfu'ed and gtfo'd!

Am thinking that since it is actually impossible for Rock Lee to ever have been, be, or will be, in any kind of sexual entanglement, he was not able to recognize the clear-as-day situation.

We stood in an awkward and completely unwanted triangle. I looked at the dobe through the corner of my eyes. His face was frozen.

Rock Lee's oblivious white smile finally threw me out of my stupor. I opened my mouth to offer bushy brows two choices – to leave with his head intact or without – when the dobe suddenly unfroze and ran into his room.

Then ran out in full training gear.

"Go go dattebayo! Training, training, training!" His mouth was twisted into a rather forced grin.

Rock Lee, the clueless moron that he is, beamed even brighter. "Yosh, Naruto-san! Gai-sensei is right about you, you are flowing with the Spirit of Youth!" He looked in my direction. "Will Uchiha-san join us too? Sensei has said that you have commendable abilities, although you are lacking in the Spirit! If you join us I am sure that you will also flow with Youthful Energy!"

The dobe jumped in before I had a chance to answer. "Sasuke, you're not interested right? Na, bushy-brows, leave Sasuke alone! Let's go!" he grabbed bushy-brows' arm before brows could say anything, and rushed out.

Stood there for a long, long time. Don't know how much time was passed standing stupidly in his apartment, but eventually feet walked itself back to the Uchiha complex.

I am holed up in my room.

**2.35 a.m. **Why, oh why oh why oh why…. Did the dobe go with bushy? We were in the middle of getting something to _happen_. Goddammit, he was clearly aroused. Felt it against leg, nearly felt it with hand! The missed opportunity is actually making me cry out.

Not even thinking of gutting Itachi is helping.

Am near feverish thinking about the dobe's reaction, but there is nothing I can do. Masturbating is not going to work, when the real thing was right there in front of me.

**3 a.m. **Feel like will never sleep again.

Why did he leave? Why did the dobe jump away from me like that? Just look at me, am practically sex god. Can't believe that anyone, much less the dobe, would be immune especially when it was _me _initiating. Am definitely the most attractive Uchiha, who were in turn the most attractive family in Konoha… So it all stands to reason that I have both males and females panting after every step I take. Am not imagining it, he wanted me as much as I wanted him. Why the fuck did he run away?

Feel like tearing down the walls of neighbours (never liked the Hyuugas, think they're something special with their creepy pale eyes… get yourselves some goddamned colour lenses). Feel like marching up to Youthful Training Camp and lynching jumpsuit duo. Feel like kidnapping Naruto and tying him down to the bed, and then do all manners of delightful things to give him reason to never leave again.

**3.28 a.m. **God, he was so sexy when he was making those mewling noises. With those swollen lips…

Despite the ridiculous levels of sexual desire between dobe and self, have not yet been able to wrap cock around his ass. Something is utterly, nightmarishly wrong here.

**Thursday 3 January**

_Number of sake bottles 7, Number of hours lurked around Naruto's apartment 2, Number of times threw rocks at people 5, Number of times thought about the dobe… countless, holy shit_

**1.39 p.m. **Had a horrible day yesterday. Could do nothing but think about the dobe. Raided Itachi's room again, desperate attempt to distract self. It did not work.

Went on moody tragic walk and shot Death Glares at anyone who dared to cross my way. Saw a blob of pink ambling towards me but magnified Glare and blob of pink quickly backpedaled.

Was so pissed that bought another tin of ice cream. Binged in a fit of desperation, then threw it all up. Very vile Very Berry flavour. Hate ice cream, ice cream can go melt itself in hell.

Am so depressed thinking about yesterday that can't even train… combined with effects of ice cream and daily sake bottles, body mass will soon equate that of literal fat-ass Chouji. Now _that _is the nightmare of nightmares. Will never be able to pull off adequate physical exertion in the bedroom with the dobe if self is covered with hanging rolls of fat. Shudder.

**5.45 p.m. **How dare he leave me like this. This is shameful, I am the Uchiha prodigy! Uchiha prodigies don't go slaving after dobes like lovesick puppies. Uchiha prodigies loftily smirk while perched on thrones, holding on to chained and obedient blonde sex-slaves. Mmm.

Can't figure out why that idiot just rushed out like that. How dare he! Uchiha's do not get walked out on, the only one walking out of that situation was supposed to be Rock Lee!

When I finally manage to track down the dobe's nice round tush, will make him pay for this transgression… with that nicely rounded tush.

**Thursday 10 January**

_Number of hours trained 2, Hair: Meh, Body: Better, Number of hours obsessed about Naruto 5 (this IS an improvement), Number of emo poems 3, Number of new leather pants purchased on desperate shopping spree 4_

**4.45 p.m. **It's been one week and haven't seen hair nor hide of that blonde idiot. Was feeling so depressed that finally succumbed to retail therapy to cheer up self. Actually, pretty bloody pleased with new pairs of leather pants. One of them unzips from behind to reveal tantalizing glimpses of ass, in manner of trashy male hookers and similar. Donned a disguise as bushy-brows while buying them, muahaha.

Think ass looks pretty damn fine in these pants. If I were to ever get the dobe into my bed, he would definitely not be able to resist. Actually, instead of wearing them myself, would prefer to force them on dobe and command him to walk around all day in my apartment, with collared dog chain on his neck. And little fox ears on his head.. Mmmm.

Self has unapologetically fallen into lowest of lows of perv-dom – have gone step below pedophilia into bestiality.

**Friday 11 January**

_Number of hours trained 1, Number of times pranced round house with new pants 3, Number of shurikens polished 46, Number of pins on Itachi voodoo doll 2453, Number of times thought about Naruto 354_

**10.30 a.m. **It cannot be that Naruto is not attracted to me. In fact, look at his obsession with his pervy jutsu. It is undeniable that the dobe has a certain inclination for cross-dressing. The dobe has a thing for boys, no doubt. He's gay! And here I am, number one sexiest male in Konoha. He should be slobbering all over me.

Where the hell can he be?

**Sunday 13 January**

_Number of hours trained 0, Number of sake bottles 2, Number of hours spent polishing katana 4, Number of times vowed to kill Haruno Sakura 89_

**2.10 p.m. ** Overcosted by Haruno Sakura. Unfortunately she learned her lesson from the previous week and pounced before I could scare her away with my patented Death Glare.

"Sasuke-kuuuun!"

"Hnn."

"Na, haven't seen you in so long!"

"Hnn."

"But Ino tells me that she saw you with some shopping bags recently?"

"Hnn."

"Why didn't you tell me? I would have looooved to go with you!"

"Hnn."

And so the conversation flowed. Don't women get the hint? With me 'hn'-ing at every single one of her ridiculous comments, you would think that she would get it. How is it that she manages to achieve perfect exam scores (me, I am so amazing that I get perfect plus one) yet can be this dense? Am surrounded by idiots on all levels.

"Ne, did something happen with Naruto recently?"

"Hn- what?"

"I met him yesterday and he was perfectly normal, but when I brought up your name (squee!) he went all red and mumbly! What did you do, Sasuke-kun, why is Naruto acting so… not like himself?" she giggled. "I asked him if he was shy about you seeing him with a dress, and then his face was like flaming – "

"Sakura."

" – so I said – H-huh, yes, Sasuke-kun?"

"Where is he."

"Um… Not sure…" She looked thrown off by the sudden intensity. "Oh wait, he said something about training today… I'm not sure about the location but –"

Training grounds, training grounds. Threw off her arm – "Wha- Sasu-", and within the space of a heartbeat sped off to locate him.

**2.12 p.m. **Not here.

**2.14 p.m. **Not here either.

**2.17 p.m. **Not here. Fuck this town has too many training grounds.

**2.22 p.m. **NOT. HERE.

**5.34 p.m. **The hell? Have gone through mental list of all possible places and have gone round and round just in case he was somewhere I'd already checked. That damned idiot is nowhere to be found. Will burn and stake Haruno Sakura's ass in my garden if she misinformed me. In fact, have half a mind to go over to her house right now and rip the stuffing out of her ridiculous collection of girly pink dolls.

**7.58 p.m. **Oh my god. The training grounds at the far edge of the Forest. The abandoned ones. Could he possibly be there?

**8.06 p.m. **Something orange! Something blonde! A burst of excitement propels me even closer to the lone figure. It's. Him. Closer, I can see that he's hitting a target over and over… Damn, he must have been training all week while I was chugging down sake, that traitor! Aim seems to have gotten inordinately better. Wait… wait, that target looks strangely like –

**8.07 p.m. **"Ah… teme?"

Uzumaki Naruto is in front of me.

"D-dobe," I pant. Ran here so fast that legs are trembling. After being met with disappointment after disappointment, can't quite believe that the dobe is actually in front of me.

"Ehm… what's up?" The dobe raises a sheepish hand and scratches his forehead.

My breath gradually returns to normal, and I look at the dobe. His posture is carefully relaxed. He is sweaty and dirty and looks so damn good that it is not helping the situation. God, this is excruciating… play it cool, play it cool…

Then I look at his face, and while it holds a casual expression, his eyes are stormy. I cannot take this anymore. "I want to know what you're thinking, idiot."

Shit.

His face darkens and his voice is careful. "Think about what?"

"About what happened a week ago, utsuradonkatchi!"

To my surprise, he sheds the pretense. "That – that happened because… because! It was just that time of the year when you feel damn emotional! I was being a great friend and giving you your damn Christmas present and you jumped me, teme! So let's just… that was just something that happened, forget about it! Yeah!"

The dobe's little rant has me so angry that am blinking red from my eyes. I stride closer to him and he flinches, but doesn't move away. I grab his collar and pull him towards me, glaring. "That's all you gotta say about it, huh?"

He looks like he wants to say something more. Then his eyes flash. "Yeah. Just forget about everything."

I lose my cool entirely and rage, "Fuck you, you idiot. How is it that you are brushing it off so easily when I'm goddamned – when I am goddamn thinking about it and thinking about you everyday? You think I just grabbed you and k-kissed you because it was what, Christmas? Didn't I tell you that every Christmas I sit around and think about how to kill my brother? You think someone like me just grabs anyone at random and makes out with them?"

The dobe looks startled at my outburst. His face grows pink, and even in this godforsaken situation, I'm noticing how cute he is with those stained cheeks. Fuck my hormones.

"God, teme, it happened, it's over! It's not like we felt anything, it's not like we were _actually _going to… you know…"

"Oh yeah, you didn't feel anything? I'm pretty fucking sure I wasn't imagining it when you were making those sounds and fucking… reacting against me! You think nothing was gonna happen? You think we were going to stop anytime soon? If bushy-brows hadn't come when he did, you think we would be having this conversation right now?" The dobe's face turns a fully red. I can see my own face – angry, disappointed, hurt – reflected in those excruciatingly blue eyes of his.

"You are a guy and I'm a guy, you chicken-haired bastard, why would you make out with me? We're teammates! We're friends! We can't be like that, we are like damn brothers!"

His words are crushing. I explode – "Screw teammates! Screw friends! Screw brothers! You think I haven't tried to look at it that way? You think I just woke up and decided, 'oh, since I have no one to fall in love with, I'll fall in love with the loudest, dumbest ninja in the village'? I'm saying that I, with you, dobe – that I… fuck it… " I trail off.

The dobe's eyes widen. "…what?"

I can't bring myself to say it, especially when the dobe is looking the complete opposite of pleasantly surprised. "Forget about it." I let go of his collar, and push myself back. "Whatever, you want to brush this off, fine, it's dead. But don't you dare deny this, dobe – don't you dare say that I was the only one who felt anything. I damn well know that for at least that moment, the feeling was fucking mutual."

Then I look to the side and realize why that target looks so familiar. I scowl and point.

"You want to forget about me, stop sticking kunais into my crotch, idiot."

**11.30 p.m. **This is utter bullshit. I left before he could say anything else. Completely blew that situation. How am I supposed to face him again? What do I do, resign from the team?

Cannot believe that I so thoroughly and utterly humiliated myself in front of the dobe. Can't imagine what he would say the next time he sees me. Perhaps he will not want to see me again.

**11.45 p.m. **It is ridiculous for me to be sitting around moping about the dobe. It's over. Need to get a grip on myself. What happened to me? It's because I have been slacking off with training and slacking off with hating Uchiha Itachi. If he were to see this situation he would laugh his hair off.

"What a pathetic sight you are, little brother…"

Ran out to the yard and kicked some trees down.

**12.30 a.m. **Right. Cannot be depressed and mope around like an angsty teenage girl. Am man of substance. Am avenger of Uchiha clan. Will be the most ass-kicking ninja the world has ever seen.

Ass… mmm…

Shit!

**1 a.m. **Stuck some pins into the 108 voodoo dolls I have of Itachi, then wrote another emo poem. Haven't written these in a while. It is pretty calming.

**3.30 a.m. **Was actually trying to sleep for the first time in like a week, when someone (who will be very dead, very soon, if they don't go away) started banging on my door.

Surprised that someone actually has the gall to enter the property. The various 'Trespassers will be persecuted' and 'Big hairy dogs in use' signs are a telling sign to leave me the fuck alone. Also the fact that the signs are streaked with blood and there are ancient shriveled heads sitting on pikes usually deters visitors.

Try to ignore the door-pounding. Am in no mood to deal with, in all probability, drunk Kakashi.

**4 a.m. **Unbelievable. Person refuses to go away. What idiot bangs on someone's door for half an hour, at 4 am in the morning?

Cannot take this any more. Stomp over to the door and rip it open.

**4.01 a.m. **"You are fucking dead y- what? Naruto?"

Am frozen in shock. The dobe is standing outside my door.

"Goddammit, asshole! Answer the door when someone is knocking!"

Am too confused and annoyed to feel awkward. "What kind of moron goes to someone's house at 4 am? Should have realized that it was you. What do you want?"

He huffed, "Shut up and let me in. I've been out here for half an hour and it's damn freezing." He brushes past me and into my house. Out of reaction I close the door and walk back in, but the confusion starts swirling in my mind – what is he doing here? Why is he sitting in my chair? Why is he sniffing at my umeboshi – wait! Why is he eating my umeboshi?

"You better pay for that, Naruto, and why are you here at 4 am in the morning?"

"What is this, a restaurant? I'm starving because a stuck up chicken-head left me banging the door for half an hour." The entire plate is gone in a manner of seconds.

The initial moment passes, and I find myself staring awkwardly at him. This sucks.

I start walking back to my bedroom.

"Yo, teme."

Turn and find him looking at me with this unreadable expression on his face. Suddenly feel rather embarrassed. Am reasonably sure that hair is scruffed and face is sunken with exhaustion.

"What do you want?" I glare at him.

"Finish what you were saying earlier."

That… is not what I was expecting to hear.

"What do you mean finish what I was saying earlier? That conversation… it's over. It's done with."

He stands up. "What were you about to say to me?"

I can't do this again. "I said everything I needed to say to you." Remembering the way he tried to shrug it off pisses me off. Can feel my eyes flickering red again. Shit, at this rate, will really be able to achieve mangekyou by killing the best friend.

He sighs. "Cut it off with the freaky sharingan thing, you stiff bastard. Listen. I thought about it."

I sneer. "You thought about what? Wow, dobe, I am impressed, I never thought I'd see you actually thinking about something…"

"Shut up, teme! Don't make this more difficult than it is! I've been thinking! I've been thinking… Okay, this is awkward. What you said. Or what you were going to say to me. I need to hear it." His eyes are intense.

Am rather confused by this strange turn of events. It is both compelling and annoying that the dobe is here in the middle of the night demanding a second extraction of what I feel. I can avoid it and close the door on him. But yet again, the words tumble out.

"You know what I was going to say. I'm not going to repeat myself again only to have it all thrown back in my face," I spit out. His expression flickers, and he opens his mouth – but says nothing.

A long minute passes. His eyes unreadable. My mind is cloudy and I don't know what the hell is going on. Finally, I force myself to talk.

"If that's all you wanted, you can leave, utsuradonkatchi." I stride inside my room and I turn to slide the door closed –

I don't know how the dobe moved that fast, but a second ago he was sitting on the chair and in the next, he is in front of me. He grabs me and tips his head up, and awkwardly crushes his mouth against mine.

The force of his attack tumbles us both to the ground. He gasps for air, and swears – "Fuck!" – and crushes his mouth against me, again. Our teeth clash painfully, our tongues gag one another. My fingers fly up and clench into his hair, I fight for control – the force of our desperation is making the ground splinter. My mind is reeling.

"Na-Naruto," I breathe. Pulling hungrily on my bottom lip, Naruto glances into my darkened eyes – and I'm thrown by the predatory look in his.

"Teme…" he clumsily slips his hand into the gap in my yukata and I grind into him – the feel of his arousal, the feel of mine, makes his eyes cloud over. I struggle up and slam him down beneath me, and frantically tear off his clothes. Struggling out, we are now skin next to skin. The flush of his naked skin is driving me crazy. My hands are touching everywhere they can – I cannot get enough of this sensation.

He hooks his leg behind mine and flips me over. I groan when my back hits the floor. The bed is too far, this will have to do, splinters be damned.

"Sasuke…" he whispers into my ear. I stiffen when he breathes on my earlobe. Our eyes meet. For all his inexperience, and for all of mine, we are locked in by rage and passion. I am utterly trapped in this dobe. I can't look away, I can't breathe. All I can do is stare desperately into his eyes.

"Sasuke…" his mouth descends on my neck. I moan.

He slings an arm under my back and hauls me up. My arms strike out instinctively for balance – wrapping around him, we tumble to the floor again. He is behind me, I can feel him harden against my back and then –

"Teme…" he breathes. "Bend over."

That sentence spikes through my cloud of euphoria.

_Teme… Bend over._

What…

WHAT?

* * *

**It's been three years. I disappeared off the face of Fanfiction . Net but this story had always been on the back of my mind.**

**You may notice inconsistencies between this chapter and the first two… Frankly, this third chapter is a lot less funny. Forgive me, my writing style has changed and the initial quirky drive for this story is difficult to capture. You will notice the difference of characterization, especially with Naruto. My preference for effeminate, weak Naruto is all but gone. Sure, he can be beautiful, but to be so feminine, passive and helpless against a dominant Sasuke is completely opposite from what he is really is.**

**The next chapter will not be three years in coming.**

**Thank you for coming back to this story.**


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